Four years after the last excursion and I off again. Slight change to the itinerary this time, I’m accompanied by the lovely bride to be, Sona. Things will likely be different, the immediate one, arriving over 3 hours early for the flight, what is life!

The flight took us through Istanbul, Kuala Lumpur and finally to Kota Kinabalu. Our flight from Dublin was slightly delayed but the real fear came when the flight to KL was delayed by two hours and we’d have about 55 mins to get to our next flight. This was abated when we got off the flight to find a chap with our flight details on a sheet of paper and brought us to the flight. Without him no way we would have made it.

Arriving into Kota Kinabalu late and a quick Grab ride later, an essential app, to our hotel Atelier. It’s located on the 5th floor of a commercial building, we had the Bakery room. The exhaustion was kicking in and our ankles had disappeared with swelling. We grabbed food from a local restaurant downstairs and mistakenly tipped, which is taboo, then off to bed.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

When checking in we were told to arrive an hour before the flight, only for a massive queue to greet us. Now, it’s me who’s panicking. Transpires there a second desk for later arrivals and when you are getting close to your flight they move you to that one. Island time. Another unique Borneo thing, is customs between provinces. Meaning people leaving our flight and continuing on had to disembark, do customs and then re-embark. We were at the top of the queue but were told to wait to allow those passengers go first. We were at the top and a Lithuanian leading his crew, the Wild Thornburrys as I labelled them, kept creeping up and trying to barge in. Sona stamped back in front and finally, after the second time of explaining he got the message.

Upon walking to the National Park, we were housed in a pretty nice small lodge, we slept until our walk at 2:30pm. The tour was to Deer Cave, this massive cave housing 3 million bats. The walk was amazing, with the guide stopping to point out loads of different plants and insects. Seeing a pit viper beside the path was a highlight and having a zoologist couple feeding us additional info was class. The temperature in the rainforest is noticeably cooler and while hot and sweaty, it’s not unbearable like outside. When you approach the caves you immediately get the bat shit smell. This burning, overwhelming smell of sulphur. The scale of the cave is almost incomprehensible, and as you start to gaze up your mouth naturally open, best avoid that for obvious reasons. The cave went off for several more km but the cavern got so big, the back of it collapsed.

While absorbing the immense beauty I did have a rather more pressing need to pee and toilets are the entrance were a long way away. My plan to hang back was thwarted when the guide said he’d have be last out, balls. The next 20 mins became a game of hide and seek, with Sona keeping sketch, I managed to get a small gap and attain guilty but partial relief.

The main event was the bat exodus. Those aforementioned 3 million bats all leaving the cave en masse to feed in the evening. They themselves becoming food for swooping hawks. As we waited in anticipation, we were hit by a biblical downpour. The sunlight faded and the rain obscured the spectacle, if they did leave.

The hurried walk home, in the bucketing rain and total darkness with no torch presented a different challenge. Immediately, I almost stepped on a snake, the zoologists were delighted but it was too wet to care. We tucked in behind a group with a torch until bizarrely they let us through. My new waterproof jacket was performing perfectly but pulling out my phone as a torch I had to hold with one and cover the top to prevent that getting damaged. Near the camp, I spotted the pit viper from earlier, on the path with everyone else having missed and lucky not to have stepped on. Finally, we arrived back drenched to the bone as if we’d swam. Rainforest living up to its billing.

And yes Ma’, I’m fine.

“Jaysus, does she ever come up for air?” I uttered to Sona about a girl called Rachel who was in our group yesterday and would be coming to Clearwater cave and Cave of the Winds. She’d sold her gaff in the UK and was travelling until it wore out. She was wearing me out listening to her and she might have heard me, oh well.

This tour takes us up the river on a boat with a stop at a local village and market. I’d no interest in anything but Sona bought some key rings. We met two sound Irish girls who were going on this trip and would be continuing on hiking overnight to the Pinnacles. We’d have loved to have done that but time and having to carry gear negated that.

Cave of the Winds was fine, the usual stench of guano an ever present reminder of the bats. The formations are incredible and it was interesting to see the walkway where you could go caving through passages into a difference cave passage.

Clearwater cave was pretty impressive. It is over 220km long with a river flowing through the base. If we’d done the caving you’d end up coming out into the river further upstream and floating down. The caverns were huge but the main attraction for us after was the swim outside the cave. As we changed, the Pinnacles crew headed off after a brief goodbye between Rachel and her Danish suitor. Each to their own.

Our intent was to run to the Deer Cave exodus and get back for the Night Walk but the torrential rain came again so we just slept. The Night Walk was interesting, cool to see the forest at a different time with different insects. The mosquitos were also present in spots.

And yes Ma’, I’m fine.

There is little or no phone coverage and no Wi-Fi in Mulu, making checking in for our flight a futile task. I turned on my data and managed to check in but couldn’t do it for Sona. They did charge me about €100 for the privilege, a fight for when I return, while still not checking in Sona. Sona was in a panic and there was little I could do to elate this so I just left her off get a taxi up to check in.

When she did come back, we did the tree top walk and tried to spot birds. There were no birds but the view was nice. We arrived two hours early for the flight, absolutely no need. Could have turned up 30 mins before if needed, place is tiny.

In KK, we stayed at Luma. It was unreal and near the airport. The gym was really good so we availed of that and then went paddle boarding for sunset. A French guy runs it and we paddled out of a sand bar in the middle of the bay for sunset. I took great pride in our superior paddling ability vs the other Malaysians.

As it was Halloween, we felt obliged to go for a drink in El Centro which was pretty cool but we were exhausted so we just bailed after 2 drinks.

And yes Ma’, I’m fine.

First impression of Borneo Sepilok Rainforest Resort is this place is class. Big pool in a cool decking and the lodge we were in was cool. The main attraction is Sepilok is the orangutans and we were only down the road.

Luckily, there are two feeding times so we nipped down to the afternoon one. The orangutans and sun bears are right beside each other so in the intense heat, we went to the sun bears first. It was a sad experience. The more we learnt, the sadder it got. Basically, we were looking at the mentally ill bears who’d been rescued from captivity and couldn’t be released into the wild. It was like a

John of God’s for bears. While thankful they’d been rescued, there was an overwhelming sense of guilt at the stupidity of our species.

Across the road we walked to the first of two feeding platforms, a tiered viewing area behind a glass wall looking over a jungle gym. We’d heard sometimes they might not show up so we were delighted when about 10, including a baby showed. Carnage broke out, as the young and old tried to get as much food as they can hold or escape with. A cheeky macaque thrown into the mix for good measure.

Walking to the next platform over the boardwalk I spotted a vine beside us rustling. Pausing for further inspection I spotted a mother and baby just over our heads. It was a pretty amazing sight to see them totally in the wild. The baby was less amused by our presence, trying to piss on us to inform us of his true feelings.

The second platform was totally wild, with just a viewing deck in the open jungle for tourists a few metres away. One orangutan showed and peacefully ate by himself so we got bored and bailed. 50 metres down the boardwalk, 10 or more tourists were frantically sprinting back in our direction. Above their heads I could see the big male coming down the handrail. This was his boardwalk and we were in the way, suddenly we are all sprinting back to the platform. Everyone was ushered by the wardens to the very back as the big fella approached and then tipped off down through the forest to dinner. The mother and baby from earlier appeared not long after. As did the cheeky macaque, who I was certain would be set upon but sadly was not.

Walking home we discussed the situation and noticed that “palm oil plantations” were never mentioned, only “loss of habitat”. We would later discover the palm oil companies who are flattening the habitats, are also sponsoring the conversation. A curious irony. Also, I couldn’t help feel that what these animals needed most was not to be coached how to make nests and to be monkeys but for us humans to stop flattening their homes, remove the palm oil plantations, allow the rainforest come back and then get the fuck out the way. But hey, you won’t make money from that. The bittersweet of Borneo.

And yes Ma’, I’m fine.

Now we’d completed Sepilok in one afternoon, we had the stark realisation of “what the fuck we would do for another day and a half here”. Also, becoming abundantly apparent was, as our Grab driver eluded to, “the Karaoke Hotel”. The hotel seemed to be run by one big extended family and despite significant amounts of staff, all very friendly, nice and helpful when you asked for something, they seemed to do fuck all. That except sing. A large sound system and mics were set up in the dining hall and they’d puck out tunes for an hour and a half at 11am, then an hour for the tours who’d just visited the sanctuary and then another hour and a half at dinner. All the staff seemed to have a crack and to mixed results. The singer could simultaneously good and terrible.

With feck all to do we chilled by the pool and then found another for proboscis monkeys nearby. The reviews were decent, although curiously they all seemed to mention their driver and phone number. We’d nothing else to do so we got a Grab. After a couple of miles on the main road, all lined with rainforest plantations, we turned off into them. A dirt road led us to a dingy hut where we’d to pay an entrance fee which was more than yesterday. We paid up and continued through more palm until we hit a strip of mangrove forest where it appeared they couldn’t grow palm. The “entrance” was a shitty old boardwalk, no signs or info and we were instructed to follow that. It led in an arc to a big grim platform and the monkey were everywhere, just sitting about. Interestingly they’d strip cleared more forest for a straighter, fractionally shorter boardwalk, yet to be built. Smart move. Pretty quickly, we started to wonder what the fuck we’d just paid for. We were told it was private property and it felt like they’d cleared so much habitat that the monkeys had nowhere to go but sure, we can make a few pound of tourist anyway.

The monkey were duly fed, fruit, veg and sugar-free pancakes (sugar kills them and you need to protect your assets). The three lads hanging around, supposedly staff, gave no information but threw out the food and took our tickets and reassured us they were sugar-free. I, for one, had no idea monkeys where adept chefs who could bake for themselves in the wild.

In fairness, it was entertaining to walk past them so closely and see how dexterous they were but after 15 mins or so we left. The question “what the fuck have we just paid for?” rang out in my mind as a group of silver faced monkeys crossed our path on the boardwalk back. I tried to convince myself that the fact they are making money off tourists, they might not tears down anymore rainforest. I’m not so sure though.

Getting back to the hotel, we realised why the reviews were so good. Our driver handed us his card and asked for a review on Tripadvisor and to put his number in. He did come back with my water bottle so I left and review thanking him but wasn’t so kind to the “sanctuary”.

I watched the oriental hornbills who’d returned to the big tree overlooking the hotel as I lay by the pool of the empty hotel blaring karaoke to nobody. I wonder what they think from up there. Fuck, we’re one dumb species.

And yes Ma’, I’m fine.

Awaiting pickup for the Kinabatagun river, long past the agreed pickup time, we eventually had to ring to find out where they were. The staff were now butchering Christmas songs and we couldn’t get far enough away. Lads, it’s the first week over November, who wants to hear this.

The driver arrived eventually, he’d been stuck in traffic. I’d have believed him only the place where we’d stop for lunch was literally across the road, we could have walked, and it was the middle of nowhere in a sleepy village with no traffic and everyone else in the tour was finishing lunch. It did mean we’d be driving alone to the river though. A full 2.5 hours of palm oil plantations in every direction. If you didn’t eat palm berries, you’d starve.

The lodge was a boat ride across the river and our private lodge was grim enough. It had that really old Asian smell and I’d wake up with it burned into my throat.

Immediately, we got on the boat for our first cruise. No one explains anything, they just bang a gong to summons everyone. It was enjoyable spotted all the animals and birds who are incredibly well camouflaged. My eye was in from Mulu and I started spotting a couple of times even the guide missed. Our fellow tourists were giving me kudos in particular for spotting the hornbills.

The huge abundance of wildlife is fantastic to see in the wild. However, the reason they are all there is because the forests behind the river is so heavily destroyed they’ve nowhere left to go. Supposedly, there is meant to be 100m either side of the river solely assigned to forest but occasionally you see a bit of palm peaking through. Also, the odd time you look at the forest and it’s like a TV set backdrop. Big, tall, dense forest but behind it, blue skies where more forest should be.

The night walk was an experience. Mosquitos are rife in the muddy river bank. You have to cover yourself head to toe and they supposedly can bite through tight clothes. We were wearing rain jackets and sweating balls and heavy mud wellies. Despite only walking about 50m from camp the darkness and density of the jungle was totally disorienting. My favourite thing though was how close the bats flew to us. They were feasting on the mozzys and were flying so close you could feel the wind.

We’d a few beers and cards with the sound Dutch couple we’d dinner with and then back to the grim room.

And yes Ma’, I’m fine.

“That’s the crocodile who ate my brother”. A round of nervous laughter by the group. Sona had a look at the guide, he wasn’t laughing. Interesting start to the morning.

The morning cruise was more of the same but there were more crocodiles. At one stage, we pulled up near the bank and half of us couldn't see it’s and the other half were pointing to something that may have been it. That transpired to be a log. The croc was about 10 metres up. We’d come so close and I still couldn’t see it until it decided to slide back into the water for protection. Just up was a baby croc, very cool. We’d concluded and then headed back through the palm to the Sabah Hotel in Sandakan. Sandakan was a bit livelier but so hot. We went for coffee in a roasters and then a roof top bar to chill.

Quick dip in the pool and then went back to the bar for sunset. In typical fashion, we just missed sunset but decided to have a few drinks and pizza there anyway. The food in Borneo is shite, like really bad. It’s basically rice, noodle and occasionally roti. All quite greasy too. Western food was a risk. It took an ages and was shite but sure feck it.

And yes Ma’, I’m fine.

An airport taxi, where the driver just pulled in to go toilet without saying anything, two short flights and a long taxi we ended up in the dive shop in Sepilok. Sepilok is a shithole. A port town with tonnes of plastic, rubbish and smell. Luckily we wouldn’t be spending long before we got the boat.

Heading out of Sepilok to Mabul, it was sad to see all the floating plastic. On the boat was a Dutch young guy, Quentin and a Malay called Hannan, both who’d be doing their Open Water with Sona.

Mabul is a post stamp sized tropical island but every inch is covered with shacks and people. Despite the minute size, there are two ethnic groups. The nationless sea people who neither Malaysia, Indonesia or the Philippines are willing to claim and the local Malaysian dive platform was a hive of activity, far different to any dive shop I’d been before, this is more like an academy.

The boardwalk to the lodge neighboured the sea people and the water was covered in plastic and rubbish. How can we be so bad at trashing where we live. Then again, how many flights have I taken in the last week? More than this village might take ever, so who’s the real polluter?

With diving not an option, snorkeling would have to suffice. Sadly, slicing my big toe on some coral on the dock would instantly curtail that before I’d even got the snorkel on. A beer, ice-cream and bandages were a worthy substitute.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner are communal affairs, with a mix of western and Malaysian food. We parked up beside an American called Selden and a Canadian called Amika. Both very sound. Quentin, the friendly Dutchman, was starting to transform into an annoying shadow. Thankfully, I would not have to deal with him during the day. Best of luck Sona.

And yes Ma’, I’m fine.

Having not dived in 4 years I'd be doing a refresher dive just off the dock. I'd have to remove allow my mask fill with water and to purge it, then remove it fully and put back on. Getting water in my eyes is my worst nightmare, maybe I should have lied, I fucking hate this feeling. I suffered through and could get on with the dive nearby. I was shocked and delighted to see a big turtle up close, this wouldn't be the last.

The next two dives were both close by the jetty. I got to see loads of turtles, fish and nudibranchs. The dive shop had sank old boats and some sculptures including a big ray, a croc and a shark. Hilariously, they drove us in the boat 20m from the dock for the dive. We could have easily swam. On the other hand, Sona was dealing with Quentin. Despite having the same experience as her, zero, he would answer her questions to the instructor, often giving the wrong answer.