Day 1, Shanghai, 7th of July 2016

Slow start to the day with the jet lag and organising where to go. Grabbed breakfast in a local restaurant. Noodle and pork for breakfast, unusual combo but was grand. Hacked away at it for 5 mins before the girl kindly brought me a fork. 26¥, or €3.50 for a full meal is sweet. Took off walking to the Xintiandi shopping district. Tried to get a taxi, one said no, the second chucked me out because I could explain in Chinese where I needed to go. Xintiandi was a nice, old style shopping area that was done up very modern. Nice but as you'd expect very commercial. Between that and the HongKong plaza next door, if it wasn't for the writing you could be in NYC. Chilled out in the Civic park. Nice park to escape the hustle and bustle. There were Chinese army recruits running around the park in formation. Honestly, half of them wouldn't make a Junior D team. Across the road was the People park. Shanghai museum, the Grand Theatre and City Hall are all there. Note to self, if in need you will probably be able to find a toilet, but in public places theres seems to be a BYOT rule, Bring Your Own Tissue. For dinner I sampled my first dumpling, 10 of the feckers came out. Grand, bit stodgy but good to try.  32¥, or €3.50. Snake was on the menu but couldn't justify €40. Will try later somewhere else. Went to the Fengshu Market. Lovely new building on the outsider, the old Ilac centre on the inside. Bought two fresh pairs of "Calvin Kliens", 45¥ haggled down to 15¥. No need but was good craic doing it. Went to West Nanjing Road before heading home. Cool pedestrianised area, loads of restaurants and cafes. Lastly, the pedestrians in Shanghai appear to be the only ones who abide by the lights. Cars stop are reds but will drive through green man signs no bother. Scooters though, they don't give a shit. Neither lights nor driving on the road are necessary if you can get down the footpath quicker. 😂

That's Day 1 down. So far travelling solo has been fine. Be nice to bounce things off someone but that's the only real thing. Yet to "find" myself, what ever that means....

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 2, Shanghai, 8th of July 2016

Today was a later start again, bit of a trend starting here, but managed to make it to the Shanghai museum finally. The museum is free so it would be a shame to miss it is you visited. Managed to catch four exhibits before closing time. Some cool weapons, pots and the least comfortable pillow I’ve ever seen were on display. Recommended as a good place to eat authentic Chinese cuisine, I wandered down Yunnan Road not far from the People’s Square. After 10 minutes, four staff members, a manager and some desperate appeals to be fed it transpired I needed to pay first.

The Yunnan Bazzer was the next stop. The old style buildings, the crowds and gold tinted everything stood in stark contrast to the new modern stores I had passed the day before. The famous soup dumplings can be found here. Unfortunately, I didn’t try them as there was a queue a mile long but accordingly to others we met they has well work a try. The Yu Gardens are famous gardens adjoining the Bazzar but as per usual they were closed so it was off the Bund to meet Fergal.

Shanghai’s most famous attraction is its skyline referred to as The Bund. Safe to say it is phenomenally impressive. Even as someone who doesn’t care massively for modern architecture etc. it was hard not to be wowed. I arrived at dusk and the skyline literally comes alive in front of you in a mix a colours. We had agreed to meet at a café nearby but it transpired it was closed. This is apparently a common issue so if you arrange to meet someone have a back-up location. A quick ferry across the river brings you to the foot of these monstrous buildings. The largest of the skyscrapers had just closed when we arrived so the slightly smaller “bottle opener” was the back-up option. A futuristic elevator brings you up to the 94th floor in the fastest 415 meters you will ever ascent. There are two viewing areas the 97th at the bottom of the opened and the 100th floor across the top. The view on top is pot luck depending on the mist but when it clears it’s very good. Walking on the glass tiles and looking 100 floors to the ground is a bit of mind fuck. There is a bar on the 94th we were hoping to sit down in at around 9:15, but upon enquiry it’s closing time went from 9:30 to 9:00. Tried the Oriental Pearl Tower next, the one the looks like the Spire with three balls on it but it was closed too, so we gave up and went for dinner in Xibo in Jing'an Temple area.

Yongkang road in the French concession is a cool, old style road with plenty of small pubs and worth a visit. We had a few here and then having bumped into a few more Irish we were out for the night. Dongdu road was out next stop, hitting the Parrot and Elevator till 6am. So much for a few casuals.

Last note, walking several km in serious humidity is sweaty. Cotton jocks will chafe the life out of you. Bring spare boxers everywhere!

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 3, Shanghai, 9th of July 2016

As one might imagine today was the height of inactivity. Eventually Fergal and I got our act together and went to join Untour's Night Street Market tour. It kicked off at 7:30pm in some of the older parts of the city. This tour is amazing. Straight away the dumplings served to us were divine and and we got to see a guy killing and preparing a river snake for us. The beer flows freely and the quantity of food is never ended. It concluded in the second restaurant as the middle stop was closed due to a Muslim holiday. If you find yourself in Shanghai this is a must!!! The city of Shanghai are tearing down most of the eateries to make way for high rises so get on it while you can. Lastly, Mapo Tofu, spicy now and spicy later 😳 beware.

The group with us were good craic so when the tour ended we were all steamed and the only option was to head out. The Shanghai Brewery on Dongdu road was our point of attack. Recommended by the seriously cool tour guide Andrés, who joined us, they sell craft beer (if you like smelly feet) by the litre. After a few, the rest of the crew called it quits, much to the reluctance of Sean the American submarine operator. His lovely wife Mindy was far more pleased though. This left Fergal and I to plow on and we headed across the road to the Parrot once more. Unfortunately, I faded and fast. On the verge of falling asleep in the bar, I called it a day and left Fergal to fly solo.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 4, Shanghai, 10th of July 2016

After a heavy weekend, we finally got ourselves together getting up and head for dinner. At this point, I discovered my bank card was missing 😖. With no other bank card this posed a problem. Having been warned to bring a second, Ma's always right, I was rightly up shit creek. We sat down to dinner in a local Italian trying to take my mind off the issue at hand. Straight after we flew up to the Parrot to check. Low and behold the card is sitting there with the owner. Blessed!! 

Being Irish it wouldn't be a trip abroad with finding a bar to watch some GAA. The Camel pub in the French concession is one of the best sports bars I was ever in. When we walked in there was GAA, F1, Tennis, Soccer and UFC on at the same time. We chilled out and watched Connacht football final and the Munster hurling final with other Irish before heading home to pack. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

I slept for most of the flight to awake to the most bizarre scene of the whole trip. The whole flight were doing Tai Chi and the air hostesses were leading the charge. All the previous nights late night prep were starting to pay off when I arrived in Chengdu. I caught the no. 3 bus which was meant to stop in the South railway, which would bring me to the Lazybones hostel. All good, except the driver just drove straight past. Luckily, it terminated in the East railway which also has a metro so I was able to  get to the hostel. 

Upon arriving to the hostel I booked a Sichan Opera for that evening and the tour to the Panda and the Giant Buddha in Leshan for the following day. The 4 bed dorm had a cool Singapore guy called SJ and a really sound Colombian couple. I grabbed a fried riced from the hostel and then hit the hay. Btw, if you are staying the Lazybones hostel don't eat there. Every meal is roughly 100¥, which is double if not triple everywhere else. 

I got up just in time for the ride to the Opera. We had a quick tea then into the theatre. It was ok. There appeared to be two different storylines that didn't really merged and it was in Chinese so even with English on the prompter we still couldn't get it. About half way through there appeared to be an ad/propaganda for the city of Chengdu. Bizarre. The finale is basically a few of the actors pulling strings the changed the masks they were wearing. Also, every actor seemed to continuously do a shit load of Jazz hands. The photos above turned out shit in the dark room so apologies.

 We decided to head out for dinner when we got back (much to the shock of our receptionist in the hostel). We tried a Sichan BBQ restaurant. It's basically meat and veg in spices cooked on skewers and it's lovely. Not sure the name of the restaurant or location but if in Chengdu check one out. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 6, Chengdu, 12th of July 2016

There was an early start the next morning to catch the pandas and the Giant Buddha in Leshan. The pandas are most active in the mornings so everyone rushes to get there early and in the afternoon the place is overrun with Chinese tourists. If you had the time you could easily do both stops yourself using public transport for far cheaper, as my room mates did, but would need two days to do it. The pandas are interesting but the other they get the lazier they become. Supposedly, one of the reasons they are in decline is they are just too lazy to have sex (pollution and the destruction of their habitat I'm sure are probably bigger issues though). We went to see the adult pandas first but they were all just panned out. One looked like he had just passed out mid step, half on and half off his bed. The young pandas were far more active however. They were playfully moving around and playing with each other and were pretty cool. One young panda was wedged in a tree completed asleep. Watching them you get this over riding urge to play with them but that was stopped after human borne illnesses killed some of them and now the practice is banned across China. I was shocked at how small the new born pandas were. For big creatures they are tiny and look so fragile it's a wonder how they survive in the wild. Nearly all of the babies were in incubators which I hadn't anticipated.

Next we visited the red pandas. Newsflash: red pandas are cats. When we passed most were eating although one was asleep high over the path. Cool enough animals the ould fire foxes. 

Next headed to Leshan. En route we passed a building in Chengdu that is the biggest single building in the world and it is HUGE. Joy, our questionable tour guide who had tendency to direct the speak of her handheld megaphone away from the direction of her audience, gave us two options. The first was to view the Buddha from the water and the second was to hike up to the Buddha. She sold the former with the advantage of a much shorter time and better views and the latter as effectively a 3 hour hike. Joy had just pulled a fast one. 

We boarded the boat and it takes a quick spin downstream and then drives back up in front of the Buddha. It hangs around there for about 5 mins till everyone has their photo taken. The whole thing took about 25 mins and we were back mooring up again. The price of the tour had covered our entry to the park or the boat trip. The boat trip being cheaper and shorter, the lovely Joy had encouraged that. I was pissed, as were all the others in the group. You could basically see the Buddha if you walked down the river front. If you ever head to Leshan, Do Not take the boat. 

The tour bus didn't bother dropping us off at the hostel either. Instead, dumping the lot of us off at People's Square supposedly giving us the opportunity to see it. 

To shrug off the disappointment of the second half the day, an English couple I'd spent the last few days with and I headed for some hot pot. The dish is famous in the Sichan province and is basically a bit trough of oil and spices that you throw raw meat into. The Wide and Narrow alley is a big tourist attraction in Chengdu, basically it's old fashioned streets full of shops and restaurants. The place we ate was right at the end and there wasn't an English speaker or menu in the place. After literally 10 or more minutes discussing with several waiters via Google Translate we ordered several dishes. The English couple both being children of Bangladeshi parents as for the spicy hot pot, and fuck me that's exactly what we got. As an Irish man who's spiciest food is a spud, this was going to be rough. The hot pot was a deep, deep red colour and laced with chilli. I was sweating from the steam alone. The meat when mixed with the garlic and coriander in the bowls we were given was actually very nice but it was hot. Really, really hot. My mouth was burning, my lips swollen, sweating profusely, I rubbed my hand off my forehead and it was burning too. I would eat, suffer then wait for 5-10 mins and repeat. The English couple said it was the spiciest thing they'd ever eat and they ate chilli as a snack. As soon as I left the restaurant my stomach started to burn. We all decided to get yogurt and that ease my stomach.

Having seen the Pandas and the Buddha there was little else to see in Chengdu so I booked a last minute flight to Lijiang for 6 the following morning via Ctrip. All the trains were booked up for days so flying transpired to be a better option and saved me a day if not two. Another tip, book your trains well in advance they fill fast and you could end up on a hard seat for half a day or more if there is a seat available. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Instantly I knew I would like Lijiang. For the first time in a week I hadn't been sweating constantly. The city is in a gentle valley covered by green hills with mystical clouds lapping up against then. I grabbed the bus from the airport and it dropped my off at the bus station, the only problem was I had no idea where that was and I'd no map. After an hour and a half of walking and a lucky escape of man hole cover flipping beneath me I managed to find Old Town. This is literally from a film set but it's still pretty cool. Unfortunately, it is a maze of narrow streets and alleys which makes finding anywhere impossible. It had now been three hours since I had gotten off the plane and will only an hours sleep and no food I was starting to wain. Also, from all the walking my heel was swelling badly in my runner. Old Town is an UNESCO World Heritage site so you are meant to pay a 80¥ maintenance fee. At this point I had crossed several check point even asking one for directions and none had stopped me.

I'm going to break here for a sec and issue a word of warning. Chinese people are very proud and pretty helpful. It is part of their culture never to loose face. As wonderful as that can be there is a distinct disadvantage when you are looking for directions and they don't know where it is. Instead of saying no, they will give a suggestion which will likely by way off. This will come up again.

The directions I was given, let's say I didn't know where exactly the hostel was but I knew sure as hell her suggestion was sending my several miles in the wrong direction. I thanked her and then did what I should have done hours ago, find a café with Internet. Found a nice little Chinese chain called DD&DD that do nice sticky yogurt and fruit. Armed with directions to the October Inn, I took off up the hill over Old Town. They have spray painted red signs on the walls to direct you, although I still managed to walk into a random Chinese persons house first. Eventually, exhausted and almost speechless, Tom the owner (reminds me heavily of Leslie Chow) took me in and I hit the hay immediately. 

One really cool aspect of staying the October Inn is that Tom cooks dinner every night and everyone is welcome to join. I got up for dinner at 8 and a massive amount of plates landed in front of us. Struggling away with the rice and chopstick I can heard this noise from the other end of the table that sounds like a cow chewing the cud. The Chinese lads in the hostel all munched away happily and I assumed it was a culture thing, you would have been raging Ma'. A quick beer after and it was back to bed for me.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 8, Lijiang, 14th of July 2016

It was time to explore Old Town properly. As I said my heel was in bits so I decided to try flip flops for the day. After 12 hours of sleep I went for a local delicacy, Over the Bridge noodle. A hot bowl of oil is put in front of you with a range of ingredients you just throw in. Most of it was nice, not as good as I'd hoped. Instantly, the heavens opened monsoon like, bought an umbrella, which every shop sell, and stayed moving. 

First stop was the pagoda high above the Old Town, Wan Gu Lou. It costs extra to get in and offers some nice views of the city from the top as well as the tranquility of the surrounding area in contrast to the bustle of Old Town. I walked around for a bit then back into Old Town where I happened up Mu's Mansion. I know nothing about the history but I'm assuming a guy called Mu lived there at some point. A lot of pagodas, traditional design, streams and courtyards. One interesting thing they did show was some old weapons.  

I needed to get a convertor for my laptop. I was nearly sure I brought one but may have left it with Fergal. I set out heading away from Old Town. After about 2km I had found nothing. I started asking in phone shops via Google Translate. Each phone shop would tell me to stay going away from Old Town. Eventually, I got exhausted and the flip flops had removed several lumps of skin from my feet so I turned around. No sooner had I turned round I spotted an old shop, no lights, containing everything imaginable and they had exactly what I needed. On my way back to Old Town literally next door to the first guy I ask was one of those exact shops. Remember what I said about giving an answer instead of saying they don't know. This fecker had sent me an hour out of my way. I decided for simplicity to get a Pizza Hut. It's muck, don't waste your time.

Tea shops are all over Old Town so I had to try. It was a good experience, coming from a non-tea drinker, but I would recommend doing with others as it can get awkward just the two of you sitting there talking in broken English. Getting constant refills and unsure as to how I could leave, I switched the conversation to enquiring about the other teas in the shop. Each tea capsule was 1¥, which is nothing. 

Old Town is a maze and Stone the Crows pub transpired to be hidden within it. The golf was on and I was in the mood for a few quiet drinks and to relax watching it. Marching up and down the same street for over an hour I tried a small pub on a corner up three flights of dodgy stairs. It was called Yu Li, not what I was looking for but the golf was on. I was made. There was a band playing and a circle of young Chinese surrounding them. The lead singer wandered past and asked if I would like to sit in and talk to the rest. I was wrecked and in no mood for any more language barrier struggle so I politely refused and said I'd be leaving after this. Mare, I intended having a few. As I neared the end of my beer a second one arrive onto my table. The two girls next to me said it was mine. As much as I appreciated the hospitality, I was now forced into a conversation. The golf now but a dream. This sounds awful but I was simply too tired. We had a conversation in broken english, Google Translate is a saviour. On my way out the door, I bought them a drink back, much to the amusement of the barman and his side kick.

There were still a few up in the hostel when I got back so I couldn't resist joining. I wasn't long before it was my mission to get everyone going. There was some Baijiu, Chinese rice wine and bad stuff, in what looked like a petrol canister. Any excuse to have a few rounds of shots. Something tells me, Edison, a young Chinese lad in the hostel was regretting the fact it was his birthday. Unfortunately, Tom called a halt to the festivities, probably a good idea.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

So first, a viewer discretion warning. No photos, words or videos will adequately describe the sheer beauty and awe that a place like Tiger Leaping Gorge beholds. The pounding of the water against the riverbed or the setting sun illuminating the spectacular mountain face can only be fully appreciated in person. But I'll try anyway. Also, here is the gallery for the two days.

There was an early start to the morning and I sat slightly hungover trying to sleep for most of the journey. Eventually, we are dropped in a dirty outskirts of a town and told to follow a road uphill. During the bus journey I started to experience cramps in my lower stomach and became acutely aware I would have more than just the hike to worry about today. We walked the winding road till it branched off into a trail through a hillside. At this point, I had fallen way behind dealing with my "issue". Catching up, I passed three struggling Japanese girls on the first slope. There is every likelihood they are still there, so if you ever do this Ma' give them my regards. With each change in altitude, the landscape changed accordingly. The first peak is not overly impressive due to the mining on the far side of the river but once you start to descend the scenery is beautiful. Also, on the first ascent you will meet some locals selling "ganja". Considering there is the death penalty for large quantities, this is a surprise. However, consumer watchdog warning here: the bag they will sell you is likely tea or some other leaves. Not my thing but if that floats your boat be aware.

Naxi's House awaits you in the valley below where the forest clears to rice fields. Prior to reaching Naxi's, my "issue" resurfaced and there was no toilet in site. It was me and the bush. Bear Grylls would be proud. Hiding off the trail, three China lads walked passed and said hello but thankfully, for the sake of my dignity, the rest of the party didn't notice me. Naxi's is one of the last places you will have the chance to get a proper meal for hours so take the opportunity. If nothing else they've wifi....and a toilet, which was well used.

The most infamous part of the trail is the 28 bends. Short, sharp and steep turns not helped by the fact that someone started spray painting the numbers and gave up around 12. A building with big writing saying "Fill up before the 28 bends" or something like that, sells food and water. I was full sure we had already finished the 28 bends and felt this was a tourist trap. I was wrong. It didn't stop me bargaining a water and a banana from 10¥ down to 8¥. That's a saving of €0.27, shrewd mofo. Once you summit the 28 bends, you've reached the highest point of the trail and there is a small descent to Tea Horse Inn and it's pretty level after that. 

Our destination was the Halfway House Inn. I asked at Tea Horse where it was and was given a swift gesture that it was over there. Understandably, I assumed it was a nearby building. Not 6 fucking km away. The walk is very cool though. Waterfall, mountain goats and cattle and amazing views guide your way there. Take your time to embrace the views and all the mountain has to see and offer. Last trek I did, Ciudad Perdida, we sprinted from camp to camp and probably missed things in our periphery.

6km and a few hours later we arrived in Halfway House Inn and its amazing upper deck. The deck stared directly into the face of a mountain and we all watch the sunset against the face of the mountain in relative silence. Part in exhaustion, part in awe.

Use sun cream!! No matter how cloudy it is. I was fried despite being overcast. I had assumed it was the rubbing of the bag against my shoulders. It wasn’t.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 10, Tiger Leaping Gorge, 16th of July 2016

Oh goof Jaysus, I am lit. Thankfully, the view you awake to is spectacular again. Lush rice terrace, full of birds, sloping down until it abruptly ends with a colossal mountain face ascending out of view. Fashioning my spare wife beater into a sun blocker, the mountain as in full view in the morning sun. Small clouds whisked and danced across it's peak as the suns rays hit it. It was beautiful, have a look!

The hike was only three hours down to middle gorge where the road is. Parts of the trail are waterfalls and your legs would be wrecked from the day before and controlling the speed of the descent. We recouped in Tina's hostel for a bit before deciding to head to Lower Gorge where we would be down at the river. They agreed that a mini bus would drop us to the start of the trail. Like with most things in China, someone is looking to make a buck. We had to pay to start the path, then as we got near the river had to pay again to get down to the riverbed and if you'd like to cross the swing bridge out to the stone in the middle of the river, cough up my friend. Probably the most infuriating thing about China is the tourist trap stuff like this. I paid two lads in who were being forced to walk all the way back up. First good deed of the day. What the hostel didn't tell us was that if we walked about 200m down the road we could have walked down free of charge. Then again I'm sure everyone gets a cut so why would they. 

The river and valley are spectacular though, my God. As you walk across the bridge the power of river below is phenomenal. You get an acute sense of the power of nature. Water would pound of submerged rocks, shooting waves high in to the air. Not a high hope in hell would you enter the water, making you overly cautious of slipping. The spray covered us as the stone was mobbed by Korean hikers, wearing the best of gear as always, so I decided to bail. 

The ascent back is tough but is does help that they have ladders. I stopped midway up one, to take in the view but the dizzying feeling from the height and the uncertain safety of the ladder made me stay going. Stopping at one of the mini sheds for a rest I noticed a camera sitting below a bench. It belonged to an English couple I had seen earlier. I took off like a billy goat up the valley to catch them. The sweat was rolling off me and my legs were burning. Eventually, exhausted and feeling a bit dizzy and weak, the steep sides eased off into a gentle incline. Sprinting down the hill was the owner of the camera. I was too shagged to even talk to him. Just handed him the camera and tried to catch my breath. He was delighted so thats was good. He and his girlfriend continually offered to by my something or give me money but I politely declined.

On the way back to Tina's I spotted a waterfall. With an hour to spare, I went it. My god, the cold water running over my intense sunburn was unreal. Christ, I lay there for a while and climbed the waterfall before heading to Tina's and then on into Lijiang. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 11, Lijiang, 17th of July 2016

My body was wrecked after the hike, so I took it pure handy on my last day in Lijiang. I headed to N's Kitchen for a monster burger and chilled out reading a book waiting for the rain to stop. I strolled up to the Jade Dragon Pool. It's a small lake with a cool pagoda and bridge. The hike up to the top of the hill was closed at 4pm but I wasn't too disappointed because I was so tired from the day before. There was a gas instance where I was taking a photo and a kid who was hovering around me eventually worked up the courage to say "Ni-how". When I responded, he shrugged and went "huh", as if shocked I could speak Chinese.

That evening I went for food in the Stone the Crows. Unfortunately, the owner who makes the pizza was off so the bar woman ordered me some Chinese take out to the pub. Dumpling and some beef dish. It was pretty nice. I chilled out chatting shite to these to Chinese at the bar and the bar woman in broken English and then went home to pack. Also, tried this Chinese fruit, lichens, not bad.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

It was time to hit Dali. A taxi brought me to the station. To retrieve the tickets I had bought on Ctrip, I had to show my passport and booking number. With 30 mins to go I arrived, showed the passport and booking number and was sorted. It’s interesting to know that to retrieve a ticket that is not for a train leaving from that station there is a 5¥ charge. The hard seats are fine 3v3 seats then 2v2 across the aisle. As soon as we pulled out someone sparked a smoke in the cabin. For Fucksake!!! I’d been warned it would happen but at 8am with little sleep it simply compounded the headache that was creeping up on me. That was the last thing I needed, straight away I couldn’t wait to get off the fucking train.

Side note, every male in China appears to smoke and there is smoking indoors which will destroy your clothes. Personally, this is a major downside to visiting this country.

I got the 8 bus from the train station for 2¥. Dali is spread into two parts around Lake Erhai. The new city where the train station is and then separated by vegetable farms, is the Ancient Dali. At this point my IT band started to give me trouble making walking tough. I had the Jade Emu hostel booked but no idea how to get there so I spend an hour or two in a café working it out. The hostel transpired to be far side of the walled city of Ancient Dali and it was deadly. They messed up my booking so instead of a dorm I ended up in a 3 bed room, gift. I chilled out for most of the day and headed to the Blue Gecko for dinner and then off for a massage. 

For a full body traditional Chinese massage it was 68¥. That's only €9.50 for the full hour. Twice during the massage there was an over whelming smell of smoke. I asked the girl to sort it and she pottered off but no joy. I'd imagine if you weren't so tight like me the massage would be nice. For the most part I was just in pain, which is good I suppose. 

It was too late to go meeting people to head out with then so I just nipped into bed.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 13, Dali, 19th of July 2016

The dream was over, I was moved to a dorm. Although, the two guys in my dorm were sound. Matin from Israel and Lundy, the inquisitive China man you'll ever meet. I had two breakfasts, fat bastard, in The Bakery No.88 then rented a bike and set out cycling to the lake. You can rent electric scooters too but I didn't trust myself on one. Lake Erhai is huge and I only got to see a small fraction of it. I also passed a big wedding fair. I think in Chinese everyone gets married in an office and then at a later date they get into the wedding clothes and get photos. I headed North up the lake shore and stopped in a hotel for a drink and to chill out. 

Another massage was on the cards then. Again someone started smoking nearby. I told the lady and she returned with a cigarette and a light. I spotted the root of the problem and got her to close the door to the smoking area. This one was a lot more relaxing than the previous one. Finally myself and Matin went down to the Bad Monkey pub with another Israeli couple. There is something weird about ordering drink in a pub here. I stood there for literally 10 mins waiting to be served. I was the only one and there were three members of staff. Eventually, I just had to shout my order at them. My leg was still sore so I cancelled the climbing trip I was meant to go on in lieu for a dumpling making course with the people I was drinking with now. Was really looking forward to the climbing but the guide had said he would be bringing a big group of Chinese kids out so it probably would have been very slowly. Dumpling making it is.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 14, Dali, 20th of July 2016

The dumpling making course was very good. Rice and Friends is the name of the company and Lucy was brilliant. She met us early in the morning and brought us to the market to source the ingredients. The market is very cool, full of fruits, veg and people hammering away and the remainder of pig carcasses. We gathered everything and headed to Lucy's. 

Everything was prepared from scratch, from the pastry to the meaty insides. We were shown how to fold the pastries with different folds and cooked three different kinds of dumpling; steamed, boiled and a boiled and fried combination. The sauces we ate we prepared too, which was cool. The dumpling we produced were lovely and it was some feed to eat them all. Bargain for 180¥.

The rest of the day was spent playing table tennis and getting ready for the train to Kunming. Found a shop called MiniSo. It's Japanese and everything is about 10¥. Bought myself some masks for the train. I'd be set rightly for the smokey train now. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

The pollution mask experiment was not overly successful. Sure it helped but I also looked like a scared terrorist. Was seating in the soft seat which are more like airplanes seat. Can't remember how much extra they are but it is minute and is worth it. I spotted a fella smoking at one point and went to the end of the carriage to close the door. They had some door stop screwed on that stopped if from closing, WTF China?

The train arrive at 5 am so I just got a taxi to the Upland hostel. As my room was free yet they let me sleep on the sofa till I bumped into Jacob who I had met in Lijiang. I hit the hay for a bit then and went for dinner in Humdingers that night. It's a pretty cool restaurant who's entrance is a brewery. Big steel cylinders behind the glass walls. As you'd imagine they brew their own. The Korean pilot opposite me, assured me it was the best beer in Kunming between ranting about; hating the Chinese, his love of motorbikes and his tales of adultery. It was an odd conversation. 

Had a few beers in the hostel with Jacob and were briefly joined by this hammered Chinese guy 50's who was right craic but had no English. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 16, Kunming, 22nd of July 2016

Did nothing today except prep for Guilin. Left an hour before the train was due to leave and spent 30 minutes trying to get a taxi. Shitting it, I eventually got one and make it with 10 minutes to spare. I bolted in and it turns out the train is delayed. This wouldn't be an issue but the train direct to Guilin was booked out so I booked a soft sleeper train to Nanning and then a bullet train to Guilin. The gap between these train 1 hour 50 minutes. I was offered to go on another train but it would be standing for 12 hours so that wasn't going to happen. 1 hour 30 minutes late the train arrives and I board praying the train driver can drive it like it's stolen.

Soft sleepers are pretty nice. Four bunks and a closed door. We were given a gold card by an inspector. I don't know what it was for and I don't have the Chinese to ask. The soft sleeper was enclosed so it was ideal to keep out the smoke. Occasionally, the hum of cigarettes seeped in, yet in the corridor there was no smell at all. I can only assume that the next sleep was smoking in their room. Either way, I slept with my he'd beneath the covers and this did the job, slept like a baby.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Arriving in Nanning I had 20 minutes to get my ticket and to get on the train. I had booked my tickets with the wrong passport number so couldn't collect my ticket before. With 5 minutes to spare, I found myself sweating heavily but in my seat on the train to Guilin. It is worth noting that if you do have a connecting train and you miss the second due to the first being delayed, I am told they will change your ticket for free. The journey itself was actually pretty nice. The views of karst mountains jutting out of flat agricultural land and rice paddies whipped past the window at 200km/hr. The high speed trains are very clean and there was a cute Chinese girl offering food the whole journey.

Guilin South is in the middle of Guilin, Guilin North is about a half hour North of the city. The Wada Hostel is very close to Guilin South. However, I thought I was in Guilin North so I spent an hour walking round looking for it. That evening, I went to the Reed Flute Caves. I was probably not in a great mood going as my leg was in bits and my bowels weren't feeling amazing either but I pushed on anyway. It was 110¥ in and I straight away felt that the fee was a money making thing as opposed to the caves preservation. The caves were a mix of cool caves structures and a Vegas light show. There is a curious theme that runs through most Chinese tourist attractions. Instead of hearing about the fact, formation, history and discovery of a cave, you are told some story, clearly made up to lure tourist. In the case of these cave, there was some bullshit projector story about a dragon and some other stuff, followed by another projection show of a ballet. Frankly, I have no idea what the point of it was. My patients was thinning with the group of Chinese tourists I was in, all shouting and pushing. For the majority, the children in China only have no siblings so they can be quiet pushy. One little fecker started pushing me out of nowhere and nearly met my ire but lucky for the little bollox his parents dragged him away before I could get my hand on him. The last bit was the caves was this "Turtle cave", I had no idea what it was because everything was in Chinese so I paid the extra 5¥ and went in. There were two shallow, man made pools with turtles in them. Fuck, they looked depressed. People were also using it as a wishing well throwing coins in on top of them. I pottered over to a commotion around the corner and peered in. There was a turtle on a table cowering within its shell surrounded by a group of noisy kids. The handler would grab a kids hand, put it on the front of the shell and rub it to the back and then the front, while shouting some spiel. Then would bluntly tell the kids to push on. Some kids were poking at the turtles face. Christ, what fuck have I just paid for. I felt like someone who'd paid to see the drugged up tigers in Thailand. Fuck this, I'm outta here. 

The craic in the hostel was much better that evening and being around other travellers again brought my mood right up. It was also my introduction to the night watchman in the hostel. This little old Chinese guy was a legend. I bought him a beer and suddenly the craic was flowing. My French room mate Hugo who had gone to bed earlier even got back up. The night watchman would bring out his Baijiu in a water bottle and pour as many shots as you liked. Hero. We had a few games of pool and a highly competitive game of Uno, where we all ripped some Lithuanian girl for taking it way too serious. It turned out to be a great night. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

There was a knock on the door to inform me that the 10am bus to Longji Rice Terraces were waiting for me. I thought it was 10:30. I was told that there was another at 12, grand back to bed. Supposedly the last hour of the three hour trip is beautiful. I was hungover so sleep was my only priority. The terraces are stunningly beautiful and a must if you are nearby. I followed the leaflet to Dragon's Den Hostel which is really easy to follow. One of the most bizarre sights you'll see is the local women carrying the hard suitcases of struggling Chinese people up the slopes. These old women waiting for couples their mid 20's in bits. I wouldn't mind but it's a walk not a massive hike. Quick bit of grub and it was up to the "Golden Buddha" viewing point for sunset. It was nice to see and there is another viewpoint called "Eagle's Nest" around the corner which is definitely worth a look. 

That night I had a few beers with a few others and planned to get up for sunrise at 5:20 am. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 19, Longji Rice Terrace, 25th of July 2016

Morning came all too quick. I bate up the hill to get to "Music of Paradise", seriously these names. The sunrise was majestic. I would strongly recommend spending a night in the rice terraces and getting up for sun rise. The trail was bright enough to see your way up and the sun rose around 6:15. You can slowly see the sun creeping over the mountains and slowly making its way to the viewpoint. I strolled home then and got breakfast and went back to bed till 10. 

Got up for my second breakfast and mapped out the day. Kasey, an American girl I'd met the night before, had failed to get up for sunrise but we decided to head out walking for the day. We hit another viewpoint, "A Thousand Layers of Heaven" (honestly, wtf). We had been advised to get on the path to Ping'an village. Great advise! If you go here get on this path. We passed one local Chinese guy and saw no one outside the minor villages for the rest of the day. It was just rice terraces. Stunning. I'd to turn around just after the village at midway so I could catch the bus. By the way, that drive up I'd missed was as nice as I'd been told. 

A few games of pool and soon enough we'd a few people sitting round drinking. The night watch was back, the Baijiu was flowing, we were in business. A word of warning Baijiu has a delayed and powerful fuse. I barely remember going to bed. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 20, Guilin, 26th of July 2016

My head, sweet mother of God. I am dying!!! Didn't get up till about 4pm. Baijiu is the devil. A plate of fluffy pancakes is about all I can handle now. After much effort, I worked up the energy to go into town. I found a cool weir in the river you could walk across and started walking up the river. I walked up to Elephant Hill, one of the main attraction in Guilin. No surprise it was 130¥ in. I didn't have the cash and what's worse is it should be clearly visible from the road but they have grow trees to obscure the view. Always an angle. God damn China. You can walk across to the Moon and Sun pagodas and its free, thankfully.

By following the riverside promenade to the end you will eventually arrive at Fubo Hill. There were hoards of people swimming in the river, raging I didn't bring my gear. Boats were ploughing up and down, blowing their horns to move the swimmers. At the hill there is a cave with some sculptures and a viewing deck. Dusk was pretty nice. There is a hill nearby that has a slide down from the top. I didn't get to go but it sounded cool. Nearby is the restaurant Mc Found and ordered duck. I got every piece of that duck, not sure I want to know what parts of the animal I was chewing on. I strolled back to the hostel via some ruins and checked out a night market but there wasn't to see. Back at the hostel there was about two chances of me drinking.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

The tour bus brought us to a little village an hour from Guilin. It cost 220¥ and the hostel organises it. Four of us boarded a little boat with an engine on it. I'm pretty sure its a lawnmower engine with a mini propeller attached. The Li River is thronged with these little boats, it's almost like a motorway. The views are amazing though. Well worth doing and takes about an hour and a half round trip. 

We boarded the bus again and were brought to Yangshuo to check in to the Wada hostel in the centre. Great location and it's pretty nice. The road between Yangshuo and Guilin is under construction and it looks like there'll be a 6 lane motorway between the two which will kind of ruin the charm of Yangshuo in my opinion. The road is cut to bits though and the journey is as rough as a bears arse. That afternoon we returned to the bus for a second tour. We were sold it for an extra 100¥ with the promise of seeing traditional villages and caves etc. What a load of bollox. It was a horrific tourist trap. We fed some tied up and depressed water buffalo, then walked to Yulong bridge where the Windows XP desktop picture was taken. You will see this bridge if you head to the Yulong river yourself, which everyone does, so there was no need to visit with the tour. Then it was off to the "tradition village".

This place, where to start. Firstly, I don't know the name of this place so I can warn you against it, you'll have to read this and if someone offers you a trip there bluntly refuse. You arrive at what is basically a Disneyland attraction. There is a band playing the saddest music I have ever heard. They really do not want to be there. You board a mini ferry and are brought to see the villagers. First, you seem the beautiful women of the village. It transpires you turn a corner in the boat and there are three women dancing on a platform. For fucksake, at this point I realised something was up. The boat goes through a cave that is under a hill, cool to be fair but it's something I'd rather be swimming through. Then you come to the men of the village. Essentially it was three young lads, probably their summer job, doing and out a time shuffle with sticks in what looks like a maori outfit. As soon as we turned the corner a fella started banging a bamboo drum and then once we were past he probably went on his phone till the next boat of suckers came past. There was no escape except sleep which I slowly drifted into. We got of the ride, because thats in essence what it was and had to walk down this walk way of attractions. There were a group of kids singing to each group of tourist, all of whom were bored off their holes, could you blame them. Singing the same song on repeat all day. Then, there was the "tradition" (defo, bollox just made up to lure in tourists) where a woman in a high window would throw a ball thing into a crowd of men and whoever caught it would then marry the woman. Ok, here I got competitive. Not because I wanted to get engaged to some fake villager but I saw a chance to snap this ball like it was a sliotar. I pawed the first one that was thrown showing off my hurling skills and athleticism over the other tourists. I'm a sad case but at this point I was so bored I didn't care. Lastly, it was exit through the gift shops and onto the bus. I was pissed. 100¥ to waste my afternoon, bastards. 

Thankfully, the girls I had met on the trip were good craic and that night a big crowd of us went to a traditional Chinese restaurant somewhere near West street. The name comes from "Westerner" btw. This was serious craic and food was good and cheap. We spent most of the night pointing to the menu on a wall with a stick and having the craic with the little old couple who served us.

Last stop of the day was the rooftop bar in Monkey Jane's hostel. This is the only party hostel in China I have come across. The bar is some craic but I would recommend staying in the Wada and then just going to visit the bar as the rooms are meant to be pretty sick. I stayed till 3am doing snake Baijiu shots (yep, a snake is in the barrel), playing beer pong, flip cup and a new game slap cup. Serious craic. Took my leave when the bar was almost empty and this fat Australian guy of Chinese descent started getting really weird with me. I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or wanting to fight me. Neither, tickled my fancy and with the bar empty and 3am my bed was calling. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 22, Yangshuo, 28th of July 2016

Thankfully by the time I had go ready one of the girls Rosie had motorbikes organised for us. An advantage of travelling with others I hadn't experienced in a while. They were 80¥ for the day and our destination was Xingping, as small fishing town 25km North. In true Top Gear fashion we assigned ourselves the task, buy an item another member of the group must wear all the way to Xingping and meet at the only bridge out of town in 25 mins. No different to the show 25 minutes later only one of the 4 bikes was there. I was on a motorway heading South but realised my mistake and made it back to the bridge ten minutes late. The two other bikes arrive another 20 minutes after me. As for the gifts, I had to wear a pink inflatable ring for the trip. The gift I bought was one of those colourful dresses, I was going for as outrageous as possible. Ironically, it transpired to look kind of nice. I bargained from 350¥ down to 100¥ but reckon even at that I was still ripped off. 

The drive was amazing. Firstly, it was my first time on a motorbike and it was unreal. Just the freedom, the acceleration, the wind whipping passed. Couldn't help but thing back to my adulterous pilot friend from Dali. There may be one of his passions I can agree with. The country side was amazing too, the clean air filling my lungs after we got out of the traffic. The roads were equally crazy though. Constant weaving and undertaking and we were so close to a serious accident and none of us had helmets or any protections. A truck was ahead of us and it veered to the other side of the road as if it were going to pull in on the opposite side. Suddenly, it turns 90 degrees and cuts out our lane lane creating a steel wall. Jordi and his girlfriend Marcella were up front and had to slam on. 

Xingping was a nice sleepy village and we set off up Laozhai Mountain straight away. It was sweaty but I didn't think too bad but the views were something else. Breathtaking. Next stop was to go a short hop up the road to the place where the picture on the 20¥ note was taken. We went for a quick swim here too. At this point, my pale pastey Irish skin was beginning to glow a bright red. We headed back to the hostel in Xingping for shelter and to get some pizza. It's unreal pizza to be fair. We were back on the road so we could get home before sunset and when we reached bridge out of Yangshuo we had to pull over. Dusk was pretty special.

I had a late dinner that night alone at the top of West street. Unfortunately, no pints because I'd to get up for sunrise. I have't been to KTV, Chinese karaoke that they love but I think this was the closest I'll get. There was a fat drunk guy belting out song into a mic and portable speaker. The fecker had drawn a crowd too. Then totally jaw dropping, two fellas about my age gave him 100¥ each. Wtf. This is like some weird ad hoc busking but he wasn't great although entertaining. As the only Westerner in the restaurant he gave me a "Hello" and a wave. That was a crowd pleaser, the bollox. 

Ok, so at this point it's worth noting. Several times a day people in China will say "Hello" to you. It is likely the only word some of them know but they love to say it. Any eye contact and you get one. If you aren't looking and you hear it, it's for you. Trust me. Which is cool. I find a bit mad but cool. Adults, children, the lot. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 23, Yangshuo, 29th of July 2016

5:55 am I wake. Shit. My alarm had been going off since 4:40. I was meant to get up to watch sunrise but had slept straight through. Mare. Especially considering I purposely didn't go out. Luckily, Rosie, ya star, had organised the bikes for another day for a discount of 50¥ so it was time to see the Yulong River.

First stop, FuLi Bridge the northern most bridge on the map we were given. We got a bit lost initially though. If you go and you make it to the bridge thats a main road, go East for about 300 meters and turn left. The bridge is really quiet too and is a great place for a quick swim. 

We continued driving the bikes round for the day all along the west bank of the river. Wow, is it beautiful. The road turns to a tiny trail for a few hundred meters much to the disapproval of our bikes. We pulled up at a field and were watching the boats float past when a water buffalo and its calf started marching out way. We were on it's patch and it seemed pissed so we bolted out of there.

Pulling up for dinner I became acutely aware on the angry red colour my skin had become. I was literally glowed. Even more annoying is I had applied a full tub of sun cream. I had no long sleeve tops are any kind of additional clothing so as I sat there stinging I resigned to the fact I needed to get out of the sun asap. It is likely, the combination of wind burn and the sun caused it to go so bad. Top tip, bring something to cover yourself. The girls continued down the river past the other WADA hostel to Moon Hill but didn't go in because you had to pay. The drive from that hostel down to the main road is meant to be beautiful so would be worth checking out. For the rest of the evening I took cold showers, applied aloe vera and suffered. No way would I be drinking tonight and getting up for sunrise was out of the question. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 24, Yangshuo, 30th of July 2016

As you can probably guess by now today was tragic. The highlight was a board game with the girls. I barely left the hostel avoiding the sun like the drunk idiot at a party. However, I fell when I did venture out I became more culturally alike to the Chinese. For the first time in my life I used an umbrella to cower from the sun. The Chinese likewise but their motive is to avoid getting a tan. Late that night, I got the bus on the worst road in China, back to Guilin. I was charged 30¥ but the hostel said it would be 25¥. I was too sore to argue.

Having checked into the hostel I faced a new challenge. I had 26¥ to my name. Not ideal. I wandered out looking for a supermarket glumly, assuming I would be eating a chocolate bar for dinner. Directly across for the hostel I spotted a street food stall. Some brief exchanges later and I was eating a huge plate for noodles for 6¥ and three meat skewers for 2¥ each. €1.27 for the lot. My god, what a place. It was some mood changer, I left stuffed, delighted and still had 14¥. I could believe it. Minor wins like that can really lift your mood when travelling alone. And to this it was just outside the door of the hostel. Also, the had sheets penis skewers. Honestly, I would have eaten it but was actually too full. To top the night off Uncle Joe, the legendary night watchman, played some traditional Chinese instrument he made himself. Class.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

2 trains and 4 metros later, I'm walking round in the intense heat of Hong Kong an as usual I'm lost. As I mumbled curse words under my breathe someone asked me what hostel I was in. René, a Norwegian, kindly brought me to the Yes Inn at Causeway Bay. Transpired I'd gotten out at the wrong station. Also, I treated myself to a first class seat from Guangzhou to Shenzhen. To be honest, I'd nearly prefer the economy. 

After a sleep I did something very Irish and so touristy I nearly ashamed to admit it. Yes, I went to an Irish bar to watch the GAA. Delaney's was my first stop and transpired to be an "Irish themed" bar. One of those bars that plays trad music at the front door but once you go in, you realise it's not an Irish bar. If anyone from another nation is reading this, you won't have a clue what I am talking about but every Irish person will understand. Anyway, a quick google later I was in Bar 109 in Wan Chai. Not sure how they do it but they have every kind of sport you can imagine. Pints were 69 HKD which is about €7.50. Welcome to Hong Kong.

As a first impression, I had seen more Westerners in the first day than in than the whole of China. It's the kind of place where there are an abundance of supercars and are driven like supercars. The skyline is amazing too. I nipped down to the Tsim Sha Tsui waterfront between to the two bars and it's pretty impressive. A lot of it was under construction so I would say there would be even more to see. There is also a light show every evening but I don't know if it was worth doing.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 26, Hong Kong, 1st of August 2016

Last night, had meant that it was a late rise. With no plan, I decided to tag along with the girls in my room to the tallest bar in the world later that night. First though, I had to get my phone fixed. 980HDK, mare. I wandered down to the Yacht Club nearby but there wasn't much to see and then headed for the ferry start to see there. The smog was shit so you couldn't see much. Hong Kong has a huge amount of over passes, bridges and walk ways. You might want to just want to get to the far side of a big road but it will take you and extra 10 mins walking all the different paths. 

The girls were all school friends who hadn't seen each other for ages so at times it was a bit awkward. Still, I was glad to be travelling with others. The top of the Ritz-Carlton in the International Commerce Centre has a bar called Ozone bar, with some of the most amazing views of the city. Typhoon Nida was on its way so we weren't able to go out on the roof deck. We did get into a private room right on the corner of the building and the view as breathtaking. I'd a bottle of Guinness there for 110HDK which is about €12.65, extortionate but if you consider most other skyscrapers charge more than that for get in, you could view it as decent value for money. 

I lost the girls when we left so I walked to Temple street night markets for food. The typhoon was just kicking off and the wind and heavy rain was coming in strong. All the stalls were packed up so I couldn't see anything but I'd heard good things about it. 

As I arrived back to the hostel I had a sense there was a bit of a party in swing. The three policemen entering the hostel as I went to get beer confirmed I was right. On the 9th floor of the hostel there is an open roof terrace and the craic was 90. The place was packed, everyone sitting out in the storm getting soaked but it was some laugh. We were there till about 4am. One lad kept getting calls from the police to get off the roof but it was too much craic. Nida promised 150 km/hr winds and flood like levels of rain. However, the craic was so good I'd go through another Typhoon any day.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 27, Hong Kong, 2nd of August 2016

One of the lads from the roof party, Liam, had just arrived and had no plan either so we paired up and headed for Victoria peak. We left it pretty late but thank God we did by the time we'd actually located the tram to go up they were only minutes from opening. The tram is cool and is a quick trip up for 40HDK. The building you arrive into is this ultra-modern station, square base with a flat super like roof where the viewing deck is. It's another 48HDK to get on the deck so if you want to do it, pay before you get to the top floor. It was still lightly raining but you could see pretty clear. We walked up to the TV tower at the peak of the hill and there is a cool view from there. You can see over the other side of the island and other islands in the distance. The aftermath of the Typhoon was pretty evident here. Leaves were everywhere and lots of branches had snapped off. 

I wanted to go to Lamma Island at some point so I was keen to find the port so we decided to go to the other side of Hong Kong island. Unfortunately, there is no bus to Aberdeen from the top but if you were to do it again I'd just get a bus down and the bus to Aberdeen would be quick. Our taxi brought us Ocean Park, an maritime theme park. It was €40 in and the rides were closed due to the high winds from the typhoon so we didn't bother. Up in Aberdeen we found the port but didn't take the trip because it was getting late. Having looked it up since, it is only 25-minute voyage and people have said great things about it so we probably should have gone. The bus back to Causeway Bay is very short by the way. 

Myself and Liam went for some pretty nice food in restaurant near the hostel across from the metro station, then it was cans in 7-eleven and back to the roof top for more craic. One a side note the screen replacement I got was acting dodgy every now and again. When I went back to the shop to complain of course it worked fine and your one wanted to keep my phone for two days. Two days love, are you high?! Eventually she caved and said come back in an hour. I missed that and had to come back the next morning but it's working a dream since. Persistence is key. Wear them down till they cave in. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 28, Hong Kong, 3rd of August 2016

The rain still hadn't eased up so myself and Liam procrastinated as much as possible to try avoid the rain. Eventually we got going and made our way to Dragon's Back trail. Straight away I want to say this was the best thing I did in Hong Kong and would recommend it to anyone. To get there take the blue metro line and get off at the third last stop. Not the last one, like we did. We came across a group of other backpackers who were also lost and joined forced. Eventually, we made it to the 9 bus which brought us to the start of the trail which is literally a stop in the middle of nowhere with just a sign. The rain had eased and so the whole thing was awesome. Its about 30 minutes to the first peak and you can see down in to Shek O. The trail is called Dragon's Back because it go up and down like a dragons back. We took our time, everyone having the craic and strolling along taking photos. The trail eventually goes into a covering of trees and finally you end up in Big Wave Bay. Ideal for a swim. I was the only one with gear so regardless I was going in. The water is so clear and everyone is surfing. It's so chilled out. If you got there at a reasonable time you could rent a board. The 9 brings you from the car park in Big Wave right back to the metro station. 

We planned to head out that night and meet the crew we'd been hiking with. As we were getting ready to head out the girls in the room were starting to come back one by one and were in rag order. So, Wednesday's in Hong Kong have drinks promotions for girls, free drink I think, so needless to say the girls were wrote off. On our way to the pubs we spotted one of them passed out in a doorway. Christ. I brought her back to the room and then headed back out to meet the rest of the crew. We went to Carnegies. Personally, I haven't been to a bar where everyone was so unanimously wrote off since college. Free drink will do that I suppose. Then we headed to Typhoons across the street. That was lively and had a good crowd in it. We stumbled across the guys from Dragon's Back there too and we ended up having serious craic with them. Honestly, I have no idea what time we got home at but it was late, or early depending on what way you look at it.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Oh God! Today will be tough. We finally got sorted and headed for Macau. The boat takes just over an hour and for some reason is cheaper on the way over than the return leg. There are buses that are run by the casinos that will bring you straight from the port to the casino. As you know already Ma' having called you, my primary purpose for going to Macau was to do the world's biggest bungee jump. I had a chance in Cusco, Peru to do South Americas biggest and missed it twice, once because we were all hung over. This was transpiring to be the same. By the time we arrived at the Venetian, having passed the tower to jump from, it was nearly 7 o'clock. I couldn't turn to the lads and say "right I'm off" so we hit the table. Fecksake.

In Macau, HKD is the currency you gamble with so there is no need to change your money. In the Venetian they will bring you free drink if you are at the tables, that includes beer. In the Galaxy across the road you have to pay for beer though. We strolled around the casino for a bit and hit the "low roller" tables, 25HKD minimum bet. I laid 100HKD, lost the lot. Wasn't a single winner among us so we hit the Galaxy. The Galaxy from the outside is one immensely impressive building and I knew it would be here our luck would change (or at least mine). The casino floor was huge and we wandered to through a maze of baccarat tables. I have no idea how to play this but it is easily the most popular game there. We eventually hit the roulette tables again and I started winning. I won three times and eventually got up to 450HDK, which is considering I'd placed 100HKD in both the Venetian and the Galaxy, I was up 250HKD. That's only about €30 but feck it, the thrill of winning and it almost covered my boat fare back and forth so I'll take it. We grabbed food in the Galaxy food hall, which is lovely and I think it was reasonable enough. 

Before we head back we decided to go back to the canal within the Venetian. My god, it is so life like. Bizarrely, you get the energy uplift similar to what you get when you set up into the sun on a sunny morning. Eventually, we got the free bus back to one of the ports for the 1:30am sailing. There is free wifi in the casinos so it is worth looking up to save you getting a taxi. We got ours from the Sands reception and it picks you up just in time to get to the ferry. Of course, a few night beers were had as soon as we got back and it could have been 5am before I went to bed.

Lastly, as we got back to the room one of the lads goes, "you're very brave leaving your toilet bag in the bathroom" to which I responded "who the fuck is going to steal my toothbrush". No sooner had I uttered those words I opened my toilet bag and my toothbrush was gone. What the fuck people!!!! Who steals an old toothbrush!!!!

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Having failed yesterday to get to the bungee jump today I simply had to do it before my flight at 4. I'd done the maths and I reckoned it was doable but just. Some bloke took an age in the jack. Come on buddy, I'm on a tight schedule. Eventually, I rush down to port with all my gear in tow and maybe an hours leeway. The poxy ferry is booked up for a few hours. Fecksake, 4 attempts to bungee, 4 fails. I decided to hit a really nice café, The Cupping Room, nearby to come up with an alternative plan.

The plan was simple. Get to the airport, check in the bags, and go explore Lantau Island, where the airport is located. I arrived with plenty of time to spare only to realise that check in doesn't open till 3 hours before the flight, meaning I was stuck with my bags and couldn't go exploring. When I did eventually check in and get to the gate the plane into Manila was delayed (as is every single flight that every goes through Manila). Ugh.

Arriving Manila you have three options. Get a Grab which is like up and well worth downloading. Do this before you leave home as you will get a text, which you will need to set up. This app is the best option. It is a fixed fair and is decided by the app, plus it uses GPS so you can pick your destination using the airport wifi. The next option is a metered taxi. This will be cheapish too but if traffic is an issue or they get lost it'll cost you more (we'll get to this later). The last option is to get a private car. Unsure as to what it would cost to get to my hostel with people bidding from 1000 pesos to 500. 500 is roughly €10. The queue for the metered taxi was long and they managed to find me a guy to split with so I agreed with 500. I was staying Z hostel in Makati city and for future reference it should cost you about 260 peso. Anyway, feck it this would do as I didn't know what I was dealing with. 

 Z hostel is epic!! It was recommended to me by two people and they were bang on. It pitches itself as luxury hostel and it doesn't disappoint. Upon arrival a porter took my bag and you are give a wrist band on check-in that you top up with cash so you can buy drink and food. I got showered and sorted myself out (and bought a toothbrush, seriously who steals this shit) and headed straight to the rooftop bar to meet one of the lads Anthony I'd met in Hong Kong. The roof top bar is unreal. Savage views of the city, DJ playing a set from above, bar with food and drink. Simply class. This is the first place I had the local beer Red Horse. Careful with these, they are small, unassuming and 6.9%. 6 or more of these would do a right job on you the next morning. They will kick like a mule.

Around 2am we were send down to the bar in reception and this is where we met Will, one of the owners. If you get a chance to meet this guy definitely do. He is a legend. They say travelling is all about the people you meet and this was a testament to that. Anthony and I got chatting to him and soon he was bringing us out local food which was pork and tofu. I'm not on the vegan buzz at all, in fact I resent it, but this tofu was cooked so good it was lovely. Adobo is the dish, gorgeous. Then Will was getting us to drink the rum which was lovely and really popular in the Philippines. They squeeze these tiny lime like fruits called Calamondin (according to Google) and it makes the drink and food taste great. Eventually at 4am, we called it quits. 

Earlier in the week I'd been emailed to let me know my flight was moved from 9am to 1pm and thank fuck for that because I woke at 9am by chance in a panic. The fecking phone never charged so the alarm never went off. Christ, I think I'm still drunk. God damn you Will and your amazing hospitality. In a panic I got my ass to reception and got them to get me a Grab. I arrived at the airport dying but two hours before the flight. Well I needn't have bothered to rush. As I got the water into me it took an age for check-in to open and then the flight went from 1pm to 1:40pm to 2:15pm and when we did finally board we sat there for ages. While waiting, I was also informed my flight back would be two hours delayed. 

Circling Busuanga Island I became acutely aware that I was about to land in somewhere special. Despite the clouds, the best way to describe these paradise islands is pristine. The best description of the airport I could think of is that it was like an airport Pablo Escobar would land his "product" in. It's a tiny airstrip in an valley with tropical hills surrounding it. As the rain dripped down, members of the ground crew handed everyone umbrellas. This is thought was a bit mad as the rain was light and the airport was 50 meters away. I barely used mine as I wandered aimlessly round the airstrip taking in the views like the rest of the tourist. At this point the light rain was refreshing, a bit like home actually. The secret joy I felt as it hit my skin I can only assume is a weird Irish thing that none of us are really willing to admit. The baggage claim is pretty cool. The bag are laid out below a low wooden bench and you hand you ticket over and in return get your bag. Outside are big groups of taxi, you just say where you are going and they will fill cards full and head on. 

The scenery is amazing on the drive. All primitive farm land that is stunningly beautiful . However, my hangover had kicked in and I wasn't able to fully appreciate it. Coron Town, lets be honest, it ain't pretty. There was cool bunting lining the streets because there was a festival happening but compared to the surrounding islands. I headed to the dive shop, DiveCal, where I had assumed I would be boarding a boat for 4 nights and 3 days to Apo Reef. This trip looks epic but you need 4 people which we didn't have so I'd be diving locally for the next week. Instead I jus signed up to do my advanced open water over the next 2 days. It cost 14,000 pesos and included 6 dives which is about €270. Considering the quality of the diving and it's €395 to do it in Ireland I can't complain. 

Holding true to my usual tactic to find accommodation I went to the Coffee Kong café across the road to google it. While there I heard two English girls talking and decided to chat to them. One of the things you notice while travelling is that you approach every other traveller. You'd lose your mind otherwise. After a right chat with the two girls we arrange to meet back at 8 for dinner.

The Coron Backpacker Guest house was a bit of a shock to the senses. It is down a tight path, over a hanging walkway made of old wooden planks and the hostel is on stilts over the ocean. Not like how imagine Bora Bora, but the water below is dirty and the buildings crowd around it. The hostel itself is made of weaved rattan walls and a tin roof. The girl running it was also a ladyboy, which threw me a bit initially as I'd never met one. She turned out to be pretty sound. The floor boards were made of bamboo and the gaps below meant you could see down onto the water. If you split a drink it would just land in the ocean. I ended up in a double room by myself. There is no aircon but there is a fan. Use it at all times!!! Took me till 5am to get to sleep the one night I didn't use it. Sweat like a pig. It is 500 pesos a night which seems steep considering it was 550 for luxury in Manila but supposedly it's one of the cheapest in Coron. Also, the showers are cold.

By the time we met back for dinner I have brought another couple from the hostel and the girls had brought two guys from theirs. Having arrived alone 2 hours ago I was now having dinner with 6 others. We went to Carl's BBQ as the restaurant we wanted to go to next door was closed. As the rain pissed down around us and two stray cats had sex in front of us we sat in a cool hut. If you're in the Philippines the dish sisig is a must. I went for pork sisig and it was so good. After we retreated to No Name bar for some more Red Horse. This would being a nightly routine.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 32, Coron, 7th of August 2016

It was an early rise the next morning as I rushed up to the dive shop. Considering I hadn't slept till 5 am as I was sweating too much I was pretty groggy. The weather hadn't cleared and the rain was still coming down. Our first two dives would be at CYC beach. It's almost what you imagine paradise to be. A tiny island covered in trees and small beach. Just off the beach was a huge reef covered in fish and coral. Two of my specialty dives would be navigation which was grand and fish identification. Prior to diving I was advised to memorize the fish I would see so I could relate it back to the ones in the book later. Confidently, I reassured them I had the GoPro and I'd be able to recognise them all from the photos. Quick physics lesson here Ma'. When you go underwater red light gets filtered out, which means everything turns green. Consequently, when taking photos underwater it's best of put a red filter in front of the lens to even it out. All those beautiful, multi-coloured fish I took photos off transpired to be a dark green colour barely distingusihable from the background. For fucksake, no help to my theory.

The last dive was in a different reef and we spent a full hour underwater. It was a class dive, very chilled out. That evening after a sleep I headed to dinner with the crew again. This time we went to Winnies. The food there is awesome and then it was back to No Name bar for the night. We met a cool French couple there and the two other lads had brought two Spanish girls meaning there was a load of us. We'd savage craic and had serious craic trying to get non-native English speakers to understand me. Tragically, for the two guys and I we discovered that literally everyone else was taking the 8 hours boat South to El Nido. Leaving just the three of us. On the plus side, we had decided to book island hopping for the day after. There was seedy side of the Philippines that I spotted in the bar that night. This middle-aged hammer, loud, arrogant Aussie was sitting at the bar with this maybe 30 year-old women. He was grabbing her hand putting on him and saying some really creepy shit. Not ideal.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 33, Coron, 8th of August 2016

For a second day, my dive parent was a retired Korean police officer in the sub aqua unit. He filled me in on tales of finding bodies in murky water in broken English. With him was an Australian-Korean called Wayne who was doing his first dive. Today would be a deep dive and wreck dive. The islands around Coron are littered with WWII Japanese ship wrecks. The story I was told was after Pearl Harbour the Japanese dressed their ships as island and fooled the American pilots. This worked for a bit but until the Americans noticed the 'islands' where continually moving, then they bombed the shit out of them. Anyway, today I'd be wreck diving. First stop, Olympia Maru. Sunken at around 40 meters this would be my first wreck and deep dive. It was pretty epic. Swimming gently through the tight holes and gaps with the wreck was class. At times you would be nervous but you just have to have faith the instructor knows what he is doing. Seeing the old steal barrels and old supplies was unreal. We also dived at the East Tangat Gun boat. The gun boat has a periscope that you can see from inside and outside the ship. It's ceased up so you can't look through it but you can still work out how it works. In each boat the instructor pointed out the parts of the boat that were blown up, whether it be a torpedo or a bomb from above. From within the wreck you get a real sense of destruction of what it must have been like. 

That night I caught up with the two Spanish speaking lads. They had opted to smoke weed for the day instead of diving. A bad bad choice. The Rastafarian they'd met turned up hours late and disappeared repeatedly and eventually having wasted their full day returned their money. No worse when your days travelling are numbered. They headed of to prepare from their flight but Wayne who I'd dived with that day came to dinner with me in Altrove Pizzeria. The pizzas there are amazing. Well, well worth a visit. The No Name bar was particularly quiet that night so there wasn't much craic to be had. That said it didn't stop me and the Red Horse partnering up. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 34, Coron, 9th of August 2016

The rain started at 4am and it was so torrential it woke me. It didn't stop by the time I surfaced nor would it till I went to bed. What an epic day for island hopping. We were slightly late down to the boat but soon we were on our way. The guides we had were right craic which helped considering the shit weather. We started off in going to Kayangan Lake, which is the paradise like photo you see anytime you google Coron. You pull into the bay and walk between this sharp jagged limestone rocks that are nearly weathering in front of you from the rain. You walk in through a low point in the rock and arrive out the far side to the lake itself. We snorkelled around there for a while crushing sea snails with rocks and watching shrimp and other fish eat them. The water was warm so it was far nicer to be in there than out in the rain. On the way back to the boat we to the iconic photo looking over the bay. 

Around the corner we stopped for lunch. Atwayan beach was really nice, despite the rain and the food was lovely too. They put on a serious spread. Once we were full, it was back into the water for some more snorkelling on the coral beside the beach. Then it was back to CYC beach where I had dived the first day. As with the other trips I had my umbrella up shielding me from the wind and rain. At this stage we are all soak and getting cold. People are using the lifejackets as a wind breaker. Not sure why they don't have a side canvas for the boats. A bitta canvas would make a huge different, especially considering rainy season is inevitable. At this stage, the rain was dumping down so most of the trip stayed on the boat. While there though I came across a group of sea urchins. Straight away I grabbed a stick and fished one up into my hand. Such a cool but strange feeling. 

Last stop was Green Lagoon near where we started. The deeper you dive the warmer it gets, which was badly needed. The water at the bottom is literally like a jacuzzi. The rain had eased off too thank god. Just before we left a huge monitor lizard swam across the lagoon. The rain would continue to piss down for the night with basically floods on the streets. The two Spanish speakers and I went to the market at the local festival. At the end of August there is a big festival in Coron so there are a few amusements about to kill time before the pub. Of course, there were a few more red horse before bed.

Also, one thing you have to try while here is Turon. It is a sweet banana spring roll and tastes unreal. There is a woman who sells them on the main street behind a cage. It is dirt cheap and they are class. Get on it. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 35, Coron, 10th of August 2016

Now that I had my Advanced Open water and dived on two wrecks, all I needed were two more wreck dives and I had the Wreck Speciality. Feck it, I'd come this far, may as well finish it. The rain had been so heavy most other dive shops weren't willing to dive. The night before I had met a guy in the bar who was mad to dive. When he heard I was diving, he made me email the dive shop straight away and was dow early the next morning.

The wreck we headed to were Akitsushima, Kogyo Maru and Morazan Maru. We had hoped to dive in Irako Maru but the rain was so heavy from the previous few days all the silt had washed out into the bay turning the visibility to nothing. Akitsushima had a cool radio tower still in tact and you could see the spring loaded deck that was used to cushion the anti aircraft missiles launching on deck. The Morazan Maru was out last dive and they was my favourite of the week. It was a very intricate dive inside with holes barely bigger than yourself but the boiler room was the real show piece. The crew had covered the boiler room in brick to insulate it from the heat, which you can still see the manufacturer name still on it. It was a pretty unique experience I would highly recommend. There was also two huge wheel like structures you squeeze around. Very very cool. The coral on top of the ship is class too. 

On the way down there was a load of fire coral on the drop that burnt the hand off me. Very annoying. On the way back up though, as we were starting to run low on air on a safety stop, the rubber bit of the regulator detached from my regulator. Bubble shot up into the air as I coughed and spluttered from inhaling water. I managed to grab the regulator and bite hard on the hard plastic to stop it coming out of my mouth again. As scary an experience as it was for me, granted it wasn't that bad, the Spanish guy who had joined us was having a mare. He had run out of air mid-dive and had to do an emergency exit. When I boarded the boat, he was breathing through a tube of pure oxygen. Probably silly on his behalf not watching his air and he was 100% ok but still not very comforting. 

As we returned to the bay the rain finally stopped and glimmer of sun finally came out. Wow. Suddenly you could look across the horizon, at the reflection of the water, the island in the distance and get a real sense of serenity and calm on the water. One of my favourite photos was just this setting, with a lone fisherman sitting in the bay. Selfishly, you hope it never changes. 

It was time to get fit again and seen as the fecking sun had finely come out, I set myself the challenge run up Mount Darala. It is a small mountain directly above Coron with some spectacular views of the bay and neighbouring islands. Just over 700 steps, how hard could it be. Impossible thats how hard. I was shagged are 150. As my legs and lungs burned and my heart pounded uncontrollably I thought "christ, am I really this unfit already". I still made it up in good time, no where near what I'd hoped but that didn't take away from the views. You can see for miles all around, a must if you are visiting Ma'. On the plus side, my fitness was perfect on the run back down.

In the bar that night we assembled a good crew and started playing cards. It was serious craic. We ordered some crocodile sisig too. It is pretty expensive but it tastes unreal well worth paying out for. 

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 36, Coron, 11th of August 2016

Sadly, my last day of diving had arrived. Having completed the Advanced Open Water and the Wreck Speciality the last day was purely for fun. And fun it turned out to be. The previous day a middle-aged, straight talking American was in the dive shop and said he'd be joining us. Our first dive was Barracuda lake. The boat pulls into the bay and you lug your gear through a small path to the lake. The lake is a natural thermocline, so as you dive down you the temperature is about 28 degrees, then suddenly around 14 meters there is a blurry line in the water. The far side of this line is 38 degrees. Literally like being in a jacuzzi. At one point, I was worried my goggles were leaking before I realised it was sweat. Near the end of the dive we got rocks and crashed snails, which kicked of a feeding frenzy for the local catfish and shrimp.

When we returned back to the boat my American friend whipped out a big speaker and started blaring Shaggy sex music. Some of the most cheesy and explicit lyrics blasted into the bay. The rest of the people in the bay didn't know where to look as he laid back and puffed a cigarette delighted with life. Floating out of the bay, Shaggy's seductive melodies were still blaring loud and clear. The next dive was a reef just outside the bay. We ended up underwater for over an hour. I saw a crocodile fish down there. Ugly looking fecker. You'd never see him sitting there waiting to pounce. After lunch was my last dive. Skeleton wreck. I was a small ship that is shallow enough to see from the boat and is surrounded by boat and snorkelers. We swam about in this wreck for a bit and then I follow my hombre into the nearby reef. Just before we got out of the water he pulled out some left over rice from his pocket and within seconds we were surrounded but sergeant major fish darting in every angle. It was very very cool. 

It was final time to hit the Maquinit Hot Springs. The rickshaw struggled through the locals part of Coron on a dirt road. Surrounded by jungle and off the beaten track in the dark I would have loved to be out on a motorbike just exploring. The baths are very relaxing but really, really warm. I lay there on the edge reflecting back on what had been a pretty epic adventure. 

That night I meant my American dive buddy and his family in the bar and managed to recruit a few more people from the hostel too. I supped away on Red Horse for the last time while being advised that going to the Hot Springs after diving for 5 days was a bad idea.

And yes Ma', I'm fine.

Day 37, Manila, 12th of August 2016

As I awoke the following morning, I was blissfully unaware that this would be travelling for the following 44 hours without proper sleep. Packing took no time as I dumped half my clothes but I was missing my headphones. The bus was organised by the dive shop and wanted me to be there two hours before my departure time. The airport is literally two rooms with a lobby area for check-in, so there was no way I'd going two hours before the flight so I lied and said it was and hour later than it was. Thank god I did because the shagging plane was late again. Prior to getting to the airport though I was faced with an interesting task of getting my headphones back. Having left them in No Name the night before I managed to track down the old lady who owned it to her café La Morena, up the street.On a side note this probably has the best wifi on the island, which is pretty shit. I thanked her with a bit hug and she definitely thought I was mental.

After a long drive to the airport, a long wait for the plane and a short flight I was back in Manila. My next move was the biggest mishap of the whole trip. Having been here before and having the address of the hostel I didn't bother loading anything on google maps. Big, big mistake!! Also, I didn't have Grab which would have required me to GPS my destination. Also, I had 1250 pesos left. Enough for a taxi to and from the airport a room for the night at 550 and a small bit of food. What I didn't bank on was a taxi driver who had no idea where he was going and to make matters worse Manila had flooded. My plan was to get him to pull over, get wifi, pull up a map and get on with it. However, he was unable to pull over and I probably should have just got out at a Mc Donald's. After running around in the rain asking for directions repeated, refusing to call the hostel, getting lost for a few hours and being stuck in stand still traffic I eventually got him to pull in to a Mc Donald's before I wet myself. Finally, we reached Z hostel, 5 hours after leaving the airport, only to argue over the fare because he went the wrong way. The fare came to 750 pesos, or about €15. I know, fuck all considering its that to get home from town after a night out and that takes 10 mins, but I was so pissed he got lost and wouldn't pull over or ring. Fed up, angry, exhausted and hungry I paid up, it was that or the police station and I was in no mood to chance my luck there. 

Thankfully, Will was there in reception when I arrived. Told me to get a shower and they also had my toilet bag kept. Their public showers were nicer than most bathrooms I've been anywhere. Feeling slightly better about things I had just enough money for a dinner but wouldn't be getting a bed. No harm though because Will introduced me to a group of local girls who were in the hostel drinking until he floods resided so they could get home. They turned out to be legends. For the the next few hours they bought a bottle of Tequila and we all sat around playing Jenga. You knock it over, shot and other times just a shot...well because. One of girls owned a wildlife reserve North of the city. As we drank, they tried to convince me to cancel my flights, stay with them, head to the reserve for a few days and I wouldn't have to put my hand in my pocket. Christ, what I would have given to take them up on that offer. An opportunity like that happens by chance and is one of the rare instances traveling to have a really unique experience that you couldn't book on a tour. Much to my disappointment, I resolved to book a Grab and headed to the airport.

25 minutes and about 240 pesos I was in the airport. Some difference a few hours makes. There was a big queue scanning baggage at the door of the airport and out of nowhere one of the airport staff turns to me "want to skip the queue?". When in Rome I suppose. Of course, as soon as we got through I was asked for money. Seen as I'd sweet FA left I gave him whatever I had. Now I was at my gate 3 hours before the flight, should have stayed for a few more shots. I boarded as my hangover started to kick in and finally through intermittent sleep I arrived home. Back to you your "ecstatic" greetings. 

And yes Ma', as you know, I was fine.